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August
18, 2003 Written
by: Mike "White Mike" Weippert MAYDOGMA.com “I’m So Pissed Off Right Now” I haven’t written a column this entire summer, and I’m sure all two of my loyal fans have been wondering why. Many things have changed for me this summer as compared to summers past. I now work full time during the week and I must say full time is a bitch. I can’t decide what sucks more, being a full time student or a full time worker. Honestly, I think they are both equally miserable. But anyway, add to my 40+ hour a week job the four weekends of twelve hours worth of class each weekend that I’ve had to take, and the summer has been shot from day one. I know what you’re thinking, it’s really hard being a white kid from the suburbs, and yeah it is pretty damn tough. So while this summer has been a change for me, one thing remains the same for me year in and year out, and that is of course, that I am constantly inundated with god-awful, mindless, unoriginal, irritating, crappy music. This summer has proved to be one of the worst summers in music history and to tell you the truth, I cannot wait for it to end. Maybe working all day isn’t so bad, because then I can’t have the radio or MTV on to see and hear the latest shit on the airwaves. Thank God for that, because that means it can’t piss me off more than I am pissed off already. It’s hard to even begin to talk about some of the awful artists that have gained popularity this summer or the many cliché and repetitive songs that have been drilled into my memory. Actually, no it’s not that hard to start. As a matter of fact it was just this morning I almost drove my car into a concrete wall on purpose after hearing Lumidee’s atrocious “Uh Oh” for the 1,321,748,456,213th time. Here we have a song with all of about ten words, accompanied by the constant looping of that irritating ‘uh oh’ sound. I often wondered why she keeps saying ‘uh oh.’ Maybe she knows that she sucks and this is her last and only hit, or maybe she even hates the song herself. Whatever it is, I just wish she would shut the hell up. How about another song that makes me want to slowly poke my eyes with thin burning metal rods: Jewel’s “Intuition” (or whatever the hell it is called). I’ll be honest, even though she has a little bit of a snaggle tooth she also has a real thick and delicious looking body, especially for a white chick. That said, her music has always sucked, but with this new joint she has sunk to a new low. It appears as if the pseudo-hippie folk singer that corny music lovers everywhere had fallen in love with has ditched her acoustic guitar for a full blown pop song complete with pathetically manufactured beat. Good job Jewel, you didn’t sell out or anything. I guess she needs this to be a big single so she can sell some records and get her snaggle tooth fixed. It seems to me that I’m on a roll here, so why stop now? My next victim of hate is Pharrell, of Neptunes fame. To hear “Frontin’,” makes me want to just start kicking and punching anything in sight, including small children and cats. His broken and sloppy guitar chords are the perfect backgrounds for his awful and whiny Eddie Kendricks imitation. This man is truly an insult to every real musician of every generation. You’re the one who’s frontin’ Pharell, frontin’ like you actually have musical talent and skill. Stick to production man, and get the hell off my radio and off my TV. YOU SUCK!
This is ridiculous, I am so damn mad right now. I can’t write any more, one more sentence and I’m going to go off the deep end. It’s so frustrating dealing with all this crap music. I don’t understand, I just don’t get it. Whatever, I need to go break something. I’m cutting this column off before I really hurt myself. So there it is folks, my triumphant return to voicing my hateful opinions over the Internet. The thing is, my opinions aren’t really opinions at all, but they are fact, trust me on this one. Anyway, now that school will be back in session and I’ll have more time on my hands (well, in theory), I hope to have a new column at least every other week. In other words, check back in a week or two for some more of my sarcastic and obnoxious writings. You know you’ll be back. Mike “White Mike” Weippert
is the musical contributor to MAYDOGMA.com, and is also the self-proclaimed
God of Rap. All he does is work all day and get rich so girls will fall in
“love” with him purely for his money, which at this point probably wouldn’t
be the worst thing in the world for him. Send hate mail to whitemike@maydogma.com. |
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