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10/17/03 Written by Bryan Mayer and Josh Rynne WORLD SERIES SPECIAL: YANKEES VS. CUBS MARLINS THE REMAINS OF A GOOD IDEA Well, I knew I jinxed it the minute I had this idea… After much begging and pleading, I convinced former MAYDOGMA writer and life long Cubs fan Josh Rynne to come out of retirement and write a “dueling” article with me in preparation for the Yankees-Cubs World Series. It was a WONDEFUL idea, and both of us were really excited about it… The one problem? Well, at that moment, neither team had actually, you know, MADE IT to the World Series yet. “The Cubs gotta win now,” quipped Josh, “or otherwise, I’ll be doubly pissed cause I would have a lot of fun with this column.” Undaunted, Josh pressed on, and even began writing his share DURING the Cubs melt down in Game 7. We all know the outcome. The Cubs lose, and the Yanks almost didn’t make if if not for AARON BOONE BABY!!!… So, I decided, instead of letting this column go to waste, I would publish Josh’s unedited and unfinished work on the Yankees and I would adjust my half, writing about reasons to hate the Marlins. What happen? Well you judge this mess: Written by Josh Rynne Special to MAYDOGMA Hello, MAYDOGMA readers. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologize for my absence of late. It seems as though “The Man” has gotten his filthy, money-grubbing hands deep into my flesh. I have recently been sucked into the corporate world, starting my job as an IT consultant for American Management Systems. As such, there has been little-to-no time to keep a regular column schedule. But a personal invitation by Maydog himself prompted me to make my triumphant comeback! I doubt I’ll be able to write regularly, but hopefully, with any luck and lots of booze, I’ll be able to appear every now and then in a “guest columnist” format. But you’ll have to excuse my rambling…. <Enter Tracy Morgan>: “Excuse you? Excuse you nothin’! I’ll excuse you as soon as we play a little FOOTBALL!” But Tracy, it’s also BASEBALL PLAYOFF season! And… HOLY SHIT…. the Chicago Cubs are in the World Series!!!! Excuse me while I stare at the pigs in the sky for a while… Thank you. Now, I wasn’t born anywhere near 1945, but my 22 years as a die-hard Cubs fan has bred one hell of a loyalty. It’s about damn time the Cubs saw some postseason action. Figures it had to come the very same year that I move away from Chicago! The only really bad part about this whole World Series deal (or perhaps the most intriguing!) is that we have to play the Damn Yankees. Ten Reasons Why I Hate those Damn Yankees 10. They win too much. Nobody likes winners. The world is full of losers, and there’s good reason for that! People like losers. Just look at the Cubs! They’ve been the biggest losers in Major League Baseball (until this year, baby!) and people LOVE them!! So, the Damn Yankees have 26 World Series titles? When the next most is 9 (by the team I hate the MOST, St. Louis)? That’s just ludicrous!!! Share the wealth, you greedy sons-of-bitches! It’s been 95 years!! IT’S OUR TURN!!!! On the Yankees website, they actually have a link to a page that shows Yankee fans how to tear their World Series tickets apart, complete with graphics. WTF???? How STUPID do you have to be to need instructions on how to tear tickets apart? Holy crap. This is ridiculous. Yankee fans are MORONS. (Note: you will not find such a link on the Cubs website because most Chicagoans actually graduated from the 3^rd grade.) Bryan Mayer (editor of this site, and self-proclaimed Yankee fan) talked me into playing poker with him and some buddies during my sophomore year at ND. He is a much better poker player than me, and promptly wiped me out of about $60. What an asshole. Roger Clemens. What kind of person plays 13 seasons with a team (Boston), wins nearly 200 games for them, wins 3 Cy Young Awards wearing their jersey, then proclaims he wants to wear a Yankees hat into Cooperstown? Asshole. 6. That jerk, Babe Ruth. Nobody liked him. And I mean NOBODY. 5. 4. 3. George Constanza, having the Yankees on Seinfeld ruined the show. 2. 1. And the primary reason why I HATE the DAMN YANKEES is that stupid, annoying VISA commercial with Derek Jeter and George Steinbrenner. I’m sick of Georgy Porgey asking the same damned question 20 times a night. And Jeter is such a liar. You know he’s out boozing it up every single night. You can tell by that constant glazed look in his eye. I want to take that VISA card and tell Jeter where to shove it. I HATE THE DAMN YANKEES!!!! Written by Bryan “Maydog” Mayer MAYDOGMA/Sportznutz/411mania 10 9 Reasons to hate the Marlins Well, ya gotta trust me, I had a lot more and better reasons to hate the Cubs, but you can always find a reason to root against someone: They made Josh Rynne cry (awww)… I don’t know a single Marlins fan. Seriously. Not one. Not that there are many to begin with, but you think I could find one to trash talk with. Which reminds me… So, all of a sudden, there are 70,000 (!) Marlins fans out there. At least when this happened with the Islanders, they were an established team that had a dormant fanbase. This team was an expansion team 10 years ago! Their fans just reek of the word “bandwagon.” Billy the Marlin…OK, that’s a lie, he’s probably the best thing to come out of South Florida in 50 years. He’s a lord among mascot. I’ll never forget when the first interleague game in 1997 where played between the Yanks and Marlins, and an aging Joe Dimagio threw out the first pitch with…you guess it, Billy the Marlin…Fabulous… Don’t kid yourself, there breaking up this team again next year. Mike Lowell? Gone. Pudge? Gone. McKeon? Gone. Just pathetic The Marlins wear “manly” teal. The guys on “Queer Eye” may be keeling over in disgust and dying. (Wait…that’s a good thing…) Pro Player Stadium, the Marlins home, is a football stadium, and from what I’m told, an absolute dump to watch baseball. (Of course, the idiot on PAGE 2 ranking PPS in the top 15, ahead of Yankee Stadium. So a place that wasn’t build for baseball is better than The House that Ruth built? Dipshit…) The owner of the Marlins, Jeff Loria, is one of these typical, whiny, scumbag, small market owners. Mr. Loria, you may remember, is also known as the man who shoveled dirt of the Expos and sold them to MLB, thus disappointing Canadians every where… (OK Maybe that’s not a bad thing….Damn the Cubs for making this column suck…Let’s wrap it up…) They knocked out the Cubs, thus instead of a truly memorable column on MAYDOGMA, we’re stuck with this pretty lame, poorly written carcus of an idea… Yep, I think it’s time to end this column…Go Yanks! Bryan Mayer is owner/webmaster of MAYDOGMA. Josh Rynne used to write for MAYDOGMA, but he got a “real job.” Bastard!!! Email Maydog at bmayer1@maydogma.com.

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