|
MAYDOGMA MAYDOG “Not” at the
Movies None of Your Business THE FINAN FACTOR The Front Row A Veritable Smorgasboard of Ridiculocities Nefarious Musings
This site is best viewed at 800x600, with Internet Explorer
5.0+ or better. |
9/16/03 Written by: Casana Atkins Exclusive to MAYDODMA.com Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. Time to see who makes the grade and who should be banned to cancellation hell. Who should make it past that magical 100-eps-and-we’re-cleared-for-syndication mark and who should be given a mercy killing courtesy of some discerning network suit. Time to witness the breakout hit burn rubber in the fast lane while that other show limps it way back to the garage for the inevitable retooling and (if they’re lucky) eventual cancellation. In more simple, non-metaphorical terms, it’s time for MAYDOGMA’s
Fall 2003 Television Preview!!!!
To start things off, let’s begin with ABC or the Already Been Cancelled network. See, it’s not that I hate ABC. That special abhorrence is reserved for FOX, to be seen in a vitrol-driven write-up later this week. It’s just that the network loves following the same worn-out pattern, doing one of three things: 1.) create a mediocre show and allow it to last for far too many seasons, contributing the attitude of mediocrity pervading its airways (America’s Funniest Home Videos, The Drew Carey Show, Dharma and Greg, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Family Matters, most of the TGIF lineup) 2.) create an excellent show, allow it to run for roughly 4 eps in 4 different, hard-to-find timeslots only to unceremoniously cancel it and piss me off year after year (The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles, My So-Called Life, Cupid, Sports Night, Miracles) and 3.) create an excellent show, allow the Disney Demons to tinker with and “re-vamp” it death, allowing it to last for far too many seasons, further contributing to the mediocrity pervading its airways (Boy Meets World, Once and Again, Spin City, NYPD Blue, The Practice and Alias, assuming it doesn’t clean up its act and explain that Rambaldi crap once and for all). Unfortunately this year, it doesn’t look much different. Primetime kicks off Sundays at 8pm with the
absolutely high-larious dramedy 10-8 (starting 9/28). ‘Cause
nothing’s funnier than a former misdemeanor-committing New York street kid
becoming a L.A. Sheriff’s Deputy (Danny Nucci) right? Especially when the
rookie is constantly being yelled at by his Big Black Man superior (Ernie Hudson) right? Right? I await
the funny L.A.-sucks-compared-to-New-York jokes. And the
why-can’t-I-find-a-decent-salami-sandwich jokes. And the
you-L.A.-folks-are-such-punks-because-you-have-such-fabulous-weather jokes.
In fact, I await them much like I await contracting a scathing case of The
Clap. (Editor’s Note: Hey, it’s
not our fault LA sucks? Zing…- Maydog) (More Editor’s Note: Want the Clap? Talk to Josh Rynne. I think he’s opening a “The Clap-R-Us” soon…- Maydog) 9pm brings Alias, which should be especially interesting considering the fact that it’s apparently jumped forward 2 years. It’s a gutsy move J.J. Abrams, I gotta admit. Just don’t muck it up, okay? Nothing like waking up on the streets of Hong Kong two years after getting your ass kicked by your dead best friend’s clone, only to find your memory’s been erased, your boyfriend’s now married, and you’ve been assassinating people left and right, huh Sid? And I thought my “lost weekend” was bad. In the meantime, 10pm ushers in the old mediocre standby The Practice. Wasn’t this cancelled already? “Are ya ready for some
FOOT-BAAALLL!” sung by a fat white guy in sunglasses, a cowboy hat, and a
patterned Garth Brooksian shirt will be ABC’s usual battle cry for Mondays,
from here until December or thereabouts, so nothing new on that front. Personally,
I plan on painting my face silver and black and donning a pirate’s hat,
complete with white plume, as I dig in with the rest of the Raider Nation to
cheer my riot-causing compadres onto another Superbowl. ‘SC will also be
going to Rose Bowl. Feel free to send your hate mail to my email. Tuesday’s line-up was supposed to remain relatively the same.
However, with the sudden and tragic passing of John Ritter, whether or not 8
Simple Rules will start off the night has yet
to be seen. Starting 9/23 at 8:30pm we get the new “comedy” I’m With
Her, which tells the thrilling tale of what
it’s like for your average Joe High School Teacher to date a movie star.
Apparently writer Chris Henchy is using his autobiographical marriage to
Brooke Shields for inspiration. Wonderful, so we get to see average Joe High
School Teacher get hounded by paparazzi, order overpriced cappuccinos,
wrangling with her PR people, signing an iron-clad pre-nup, accompanying his
girl to her bi-annual Botox and dermabrasion appointments, and watch
uncomfortably on the sidelines as she initially denies her relationship with
him. It’s J-Lo and Ben exciting. Except not. Well that and I doubt both
parties are nearly as universally vile as the aforementioned couple. To be honest, I’ve never
seen one episode of According to Jim,
which will continue Tuesdays at 9pm. Less Than Perfect at 9:30pm falls into the same category for
me. Wednesday brings us the mildly funny My Wife and Kids at 8pm. And taking a cue from Will and
Grace (Aren’t gay people funny when we mix them with straight people, despite
the crappy writing and formulaic plots?), we
have It’s All Relative at 8:30pm. You
see, Bobby’s a bartender from a Boston Catholic family, engaged to Harvard
med-student, Liz, a Protestant. But see, Liz has…two dads! They’re gay!
Which would be shocking in, say, 1988, but now it’s 2003. It’s boring.
Nobody cares. Even if you throw in a crotchety Catholic father-in-law in,
nobody cares. And we already saw this in La Cage aux Folles in 1978 and in its remake, The Birdcage, in 1996. I’m not stupid, ABC. The curse of reality TV
brings us The Bachelor at 9pm,
starting 9/24. 10pm brings some promise of hope with Karen Sisco (10/1), starring the always engaging Carla Gugino as a tough
U.S. Marshal in Miami attempting balance her harrowing job, love life, and the respect of her father,
the only man she ultimately is able to trust. Based on the only
non-irritating J-Lo character from Out of Sight , Karen Sisco looks like it could be
the network’s break-out hit. Or it could be cancelled after 4 eps and/or
tinkered to death. Don’t screw this up, ABC monkeys. Thursday starts with Threat
Matrix at
8pm 9/18 or How the U.S.
Department of Homeland Security, with the help of the NSA and Ashcroft’s
Stormtroopers, taps your phones, attempts administrative subpoenas without
the presence of a judge, and suspends
your writ of habeas corpus in the name of “security” operates. Seriously though, this
show follows the adventures of Special Agent John Kilmer of the Department of Homeland Securi…I’m
sorry, the “Homeland Security Agency,” along with his talented team of
specialists and agents. They work hard with cool gadgets and even cooler
wardrobes to avert terrorist disasters the American public apparently has no
right to know about. On top of that, an integral part of John’s team is his
ex-wife, Frankie (Oooohhh, woman with a man’s name ‘cause she’s tough? How
original. Except not), who’s “as beautiful as she is fearless and lethal.
Together they've averted disasters of all kinds, except their marriage.” Hey,
I don’t make this shit up. ABC did. It’s at their website, under their
description of the show. I suspect there’ll be a lot sexual tension and
gadgets and diffusing bombs while in HAZMAC suits, screaming frantically into earpieces and cell phones the size
of paper-clips, with lots of shots of people walking down hallways in
ridiculously expensive Armani suits they can in no way afford on a government
salary. Lasers and spinning satellite shots from space will be thrown in for
good measure. And
just in case you haven’t had enough, ABC is looking to bring back TGIF Fridays,
with George Lopez kicking off the night at
8pm. Married to the Kelleys (10/3) comes in at
8:30pm, with Hope and Faith (9/26) clocking in 9pm. Life With Bonnie closes out the block at
9:30pm. Married to the Kellys is your typical
oil-and-water comedy, where weird-neurotic-New-York-boy (Breckin Meyer)
marries bright-and-gregarious-Mid-Western-girl (Kiele Sanchez) and they
settle in New York. Of course, the in-laws come out of the wood work to wreck
havoc that would, in real life, most likely be worth killing someone over.
But this is TV Land, so just cue up the laugh track and laugh those irascible
in-laws away. Hope and Faith stars Kelly Ripa (yes, Regis and Kelly Kelly Ripa) and Faith
Ford as sisters who just don’t
get each other.
Don’t you get it?! While one sister has gone off and gotten married, raising
her family in suburbia, the other went on to become an actress on a daytime
soap. When her character is killed, celeb sis seeks refuge with married sis
in suburbia. Hilarity is supposed to ensue. It’s Town Mouse versus County
Mouse, except shriller and less funny. Overall,
there’s not a lot to look forward to. I’ll of course be there for Alias as always, giving Karen Sisco and Threat Matrix a try, ‘cause I’m a
sucker for that knock-off James Bond stuff. As far as sitcoms go, watching
paint dry in a dark room proves infinitely more entertaining. But then again,
with my luck, I will be stuck with the second
option since the former two will either be cancelled or retooled come
November sweeps. But what more can one expect from the Damnable Disney Demon
network? ***Much thanks to http://www.epguides.com, which has
listings of every television show ever made, broken down by year. Literally.
It’s kinda insane. And to http://www.tvpicks.net which has
that awesome grid system of the Fall 2003 schedule, without which I would
have found myself quite lost.. Casana Atkins, MAYDOGMA’s Resident Movie and T.V. expert, and a 2003
graduate of USC, has spent all 22 of her years eking out a meager existence
in Los Angeles. Email her at sana@maydogma.com. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
All contents are Copyright 2003
by Maydogma.com. All rights reserved. Nothing may be used without proper
permission Content owned by Bryan Mayer and Maydogma.com All opinions are those of the writers and do not necessarily reflect
those of Bryan Mayer, Maydogma.com or Dreamhost. This website is not affiliated with any corporation, political party, and organization. Privacy Statement. |