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8/20/03 Written by Casana Atkins Exclusive to MAYDOGMA.com
Dear Hollywood: I’m Expecting My Refund Check in the Mail Any Day Now… Yeah, so I’m back. Needless to say it’s been one crazy summer of school, graduation, looking for a job in this hilariously fucked economy, and other fascinating studies in the process created by the transition from a drunk, partying, procrastinating, bitchy college student to a drunk, partying, procrastinating, bitchy “adult.” But moving on to the business at hand… It’s been a terrible summer for movies. Yes, it wasn’t necessarily breaking-of-seventh-seal-ride-of-the-four-horsemen-lion-laying-with-the-lamb bad. It’s been more like a someone-ran-over-my-dog-and-left-a-flaming-bag-of-poo-on-my-doorstep-all-in-span-of-24-hours kind of terrible. Speaking of flaming bags of poo, let us commence with: MAYDOGMA’s
Summer Movie Wrap-Up Extravaganza!!!! (Ahem. Sorry about the excessive use of exclamation marks. If only I were so excited about what the Hollywood hacks offered up in their sacrifice to the warm weather gods.) Oh
Look, A Sequel! Oh Look, A Sequel!
Oh Look, A Sequel! Oh Look, A Sequ…
There were 14, count ‘em, FOURTEEN sequels this summer. What kind of BS is that? 1.) 2 Fast 2 Furious – 2 stupid and 2 retarded for me 2 care. 2.) American Wedding – Why? Just violate the wedding cake already so we can leave. 3.) Bad Boys II – Dear Mr. Bruckheimer and Mr. Bay. Fucking stop it already. Seriously. 4.) Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle – If only Demi’s character had performed a ritual murder-suicide pact involving herself and the Angels, this might have been interesting. 5.) Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd - Torture for the soul, people. 6.) Freddy Vs. Jason – Apparently, there’s rumored to be a full length Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King trailer attached to it. About the movie itself? I could care less. 7.) Jeepers Creepers 2 – There was a Jeepers Creepers 1? 8.) Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life – Apparently they didn’t mean Lara Croft’s uterus, though that probably would have made this a lot more exciting. 9.) Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde – Completely useless, much like its protagonist. 10.) Rugrats Go Wild – What? Who? Why? 11.) Spy
Kids 3-D: Game Over – Well, my 11-year-old cousin liked it…Um? 12.) T3: Rise of the Machines – Way to go with fucking up that franchise, Arnie. It doesn’t exactly give me the confidence in your attempts to govern my state, you politically inexperienced A-hole. 13.) The Matrix: Reloaded – Shut-up, Morpheus. Less talking, more ass kicking already. 14.) X2:
X-Men United – Stupid title. Good movie. Looking forward to Summer
2006. You Make Me Want to Pull
an Oedipus-like
Penance…
Movies so bad, stabbing my eyes out with a dull spoon sounds like a solid solution after witnessing the rubbish on-screen. Gigli – Yes, you’ve heard how much it sucks. And yes, the stories are true. I give Beniffer two months before he starts hitting the bottle and pills simultaneously and she starts seeking solace on the arm of yet another sucker. Hollywood Homicide – If only…Harrison Ford, stop it. Now. You are 61 years old. Take out that earring, stop spiking hair, and go home. And yes, that includes saying no to Indy 4. Josh Hartnett, cut your hair and learn to enunciate. I guess my prayers weren’t answered when your career wasn’t mercifully ended with Pearl Harbor. Too bad for the rest of the world. Isaiah Washington, you’re better than this. I know you have to pay rent and all, but seriously, find a director that believes in you. And only do movies like Love Jones and Out of Sight. The Italian Job – Reportedly, Edward Norton was forced to do this one on account of the hog-tying rules in his old contract with the studio. And boy can we tell. Hey Ed? A little less grimacing and a little more acting, mmm’kay? But hell, that wouldn’t have saved it. I mean, how many times can you use the same Napster joke (what is this? 1999?) before it gets stale? Or feature an endless Mini Coop chase or have Marky Mark flex or show Charlize Theron cry before I fall asleep? It’s a heist movie for god sake. Boredom is not supposed to be a given. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or LXG. Whatever) – Sean Connery, see what I said to Harrison Ford above? The same goes for you. Stop it. Go home. You’re not Mr. Bond anymore. You know it’s bad when the movie can’t decide on its own title. Will we use the lame-ass abbreviation? Or the long-ass title? What about the ads? Will we show a bunch of cgi junk that doesn’t make any sense? Will we bother to explain the plot? How about we turn Tom freakin’ Sawyer into a bad-ass? Or have an entire street race through Venice, a city without actual car-worthy streets? Thank you for fucking up one of my favorite and most literate comics, 20th Century Fox. Between this, and the Firefly debacle this past fall, your conglomerate is on my shit list. So
I Won’t Have to Murder Some Studio Execs:
(Quality)
Needles in the Haystack
Okay, so I’m not all blood ‘n vinegar. There were some pleasant surprises this season. Let’s just hope the studios don’t drop the ball and turn these into lifeless franchises. 28 Days Later – A horror movie that’s smart? Uses logic? Actually scares the crap out of me? Occurs in real time? That doesn’t involve Kevin Williamson’s lame, teenaged one-liners? I’m there. And you should be too. Seriously. Go seek this out. It’s zombie flick that works. And it’s so cool to see London completely empty after a virus kills roughly half the planet’s population. And there’s nothing scarier than the purely human quality of murderous rage. None of that supernatural shit. Bend it Like Beckham – Odd that a country that tries to toss us puerile crap like Johnny English can send us quality in the form of a football (that’s soccer to us Yanks) film. This British import tells the story of Jesminder, the daughter of Indian immigrants to England and her struggle to be a respectful to her parents’ wishes of finding a good, prosperous Indian boyfriend and eventual husband while knowing how to cook a good pan of Aloo Gobi versus her wish is to live like your average London teen and become a football superstar. Written by smart folks who believe your average movie-goer isn’t some drooling savant waiting for the next explosion to happen, Bend it Like Beckham is a cool story of what real girl-power means (hear that Drew, Cameron, and Lucy?) through the eyes of your average, struggling teenager. Fluffy, enjoyable fun. Finding Nemo – Really, Pixar never screws up, and once again, they created another winner. One of those rare gems in children’s entertainment that’s great for the kiddies and grown-ups alike, Finding Nemo does that Pixar “thing” of seamlessly weaving in broader, if not serious themes that speak to us all through a simple, deceptively uncomplicated story of what it means to truly find home. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl – Sure, it’s a mouthful, but hey, it was worth the price of an evening admission. Johnny Depp, you made this movie your bitch. Geoffrey Rush, I know you had fun filming. Orlando Bloom, Errol Flynn is smiling down on you. Kiera Knightley, you’re a gutsy gal. And zombie monkey, don’t think I forgot about you. Keep on…uh…monkeying. Seabiscuit – Yes, it screams Oscar Bait (“Please nominate me Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences! I swear I’ll be good and emotionally manipulative, feature the underdog getting his due, be shot in eye-pleasing colors like gold and brown and red and run for at least 2.5 hours! I may or may not feature Tom Hanks, but please give me that little gold statuette!), but Tobey Macguire, Jeff Bridges, and the especially wonderfully understated Chris Cooper turn in performances that make you sit up and take notice. And c’mon, it’s the Little Engine That Could. Except it’s a horse. Bring tissues. Whale Rider – A little harder to find if you don’t live in a major city since it’s an independent import from New Zealand. But if you can find it, go see it. This is the truly inspiring story of Pai, a young New Zealand girl trying to live up to her grandfather’s expectations and become tribe chieftain as she should as the first-born, despite the very obvious fact she’s a girl, deeming her automatically unworthy of such pursuits in her grandfather’s eyes. Containing loads more girl-powered themed charisma than that Charlie’s Angels crap, Whale Rider is a movie that should’ve been in a lot more theaters a lot sooner. Overall, it was an incredibly long, artistically void and boring
summer. No real breakout hits or movie everyone’s talking about. Very few
things I just have to own on DVD, which spells good news for my thin wallet.
And, as I’ve stated 5 billion other times, way too many sequels. Seriously,
why does every decent (and not so decent. Jeepers Creepers? Again,
why?) movie have to have a sequel? I understand money greases the wheels of
the Hollywood’s human consumption machine, but when the crap wave is this
high and threatening to take out Los Angeles, something is seriously wrong. I
won’t lie when I say Fall looks like it’ll be eons better. Besides, it’s only
4 more months until The Return of the King. Like Ash said in those 5
timeless words; hail to the king, baby…
Casana Atkins, MAYDOGMA’s Resdient Movie expert and a 2003 graduate of USC, has spent all 22 of her years eking out a meager existence in Los Angeles. Email her at sana@maydogma.com. |
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