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MAYDOGMA MAYDOG “Not” at the
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9/26/03 Written by Bryan Mayer MAYDOGMA/Sportznutz/411mania The Thirteenth
book of MAYDOGMA Tales of a “corporate” sellout Welcome to MAYDOGMA, where just like baseball in Detroit, we love a good loser… There is no bigger loser than the 30-year-old man driving a moped… Could someone please explain to me the end of Requiem
for a Dream? (Actually, a better question: why did I spend $10 for the DVD of this crappy movie? Just a little TOO disturbing and TOO depressing for me…) Just when I thought Page 2’s “ballpark tour” was the worst decision by a website in history (well, besides hiring John Finan), ESPN actually “tops” itself and dedicates a whole week to making up the word “metero-sexual” and encouraging guys to get in touch with their feminine sight…Dear god… Quick Quote: “I think I have a role for you in Terminator 4.” –Ah-nold, during the recent California governor debate. At a recent friend’s wedding, the groomsmen were all British and had “sexy” English accents. Did this diminish Maydog’s chance of hooking up with one of the bridesmaids?… Of course it did! I responded by getting drunk… New York Post headline update: Story: Hurricane Isabelle hits East Coast Page 1 of the Post: “WHAM!” Quick Quote: “Did I ever tell you about the time I injected milk directly into my aorta? It was great, except I kept tasting yogurt…” – The Immortal Joseph Dwyer Reason Number 1,560,927 why I miss College: During a recent summer basketball championship, I encourage our team captain to inspire us by “pulling a Ray Lewis,” dancing around and yelling at us like the Ravens linebacker is prone to do. If I was still at school, my friend would have “pulled a Ray Lewis” by pretending to strangle me… Continuing a MAYDOGMA tradition, I will now respond to some criticism made by a loyal reader... Recently, a poster on the dream book, Heather, asked this question:
I was torn on how to respond to this post. Should I just say, “No, thanks for asking”? Should I write a dirty limerick with Heather’s name in it?
(There once was a moron named Heather/Who traveled to work wearing leather)
Or should I just ignore it, pointing out that the majority of our contention recently has been either T.V. previews? In the end, I find it better to just thank Heather “comings” with her “comment”…Thank you Heather. I am clearly an idiot… Quick Quote: “She
has the sex appeal of a buzzard’s crotch.” –Jack, Big Brother 4 This week’s 3 Stupid Little Things that made me
laugh: 1) Next to the Ponderosa in Woodbury, there was a “Pottery-osa” 2) The new radio commercial for the New York Lottery where a guy keeps yelling at the golden goose. “Oh, that DAMN GOOSE!” 3) The fact it was discovered that Nathan Hale, famous American spy, gave himself up to the British because he was, quote, “drunk.” Quick Quote: “I only….uhhh… regret that I have…uh… one life to give for my…uhh…uhhhhh…ugjsfgkagfkga…you see this country? This is the country…ufiafks.” – Nathan Hale
(O.K. Maybe he didn’t say that…) There is nothing more awkward than using “weird money,” like a half dollar or a Susan B Anthony coin, to buy a cup of coffee… You know, part of me was kinda rooting for the Expos to make the World Series, if only for the moment when Joe Buck says “It’s electric here in Montreal! 7,000 die hard Canucks are rocking Olympic Stadium!” while the crowd sits dead silent for Game 7… Speaking of baseball, I’d like to celebrate the retirement of Bob Murphy, the New York Mets’ famous radio announcer, with a memorable quote of his while calling the World Series some time back… Bob Murphy (monotone, on the radio): “2-2…here’s the pitch…hit and oh…look at that…and there it is…a triple play.” (Yep, I’m a jerk…) If you have a friend who, ya know, is 24 and still hanging out with high school kids and buying them beer and cigarettes and making a general jackass of himself, is it O.K. to stage an “intervention?” Or should we just beat him with a sock full of pennies? In honor of my 23rd year on Earth (to be celebrated this weekend), I present to you: MAYDOG’s TOP 5 THINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL REALLY OLD: 5. The fact that AOL is now up to version 9.0. 4. The fact that Keyshawn Johnson was contemplating retirement last year. 3. The fact that Jim Abbot, the Yankee pitcher whose no-hitter I watched in 1993, appearing a Yankee old timers day. 2. The fact that SkyDome in Toronto in now considered a “dinosaur.” 1. The fact that my baby cousin, who was born in 1990, will be going to high school next year.
Quick Quote: “Did I ever tell you about the time I sat in a room by myself, naked, painted myself, and pretend I could fly?” – The Immortal (and Clearly Insane) Joseph Dwyer. And now, the BIG NEWS: As some of you probably know by now, Maydog has been picked up by 411mania.com to write a weekly movie column. For those unfamiliar, 411mania is a HUGE website that reaches the same demographics and embraces the same ideals as MAYDOGMA. They receive about 5000 hits a week. In fact, within the first two hours of my first column being posted, I received 10 (!) pieces of “fan mail” from complete strangers. This opportunity is a HUGE step for my website and my writing “career.” A big “Thank You” to Ashish of 411movies for the chance. So what does this development mean for THIS column? Well, hopefully nothing. Because I still have Sportznutz commitments, and the Monday column of 411, I’m hoping to establish a set schedule to help me get organized. No mater what, MAYDOGMA and its writers will be going nowhere and readers will be wasting their bandwidth for months to come… Until Maydog stops “selling out” and loving every minute of it, this book of MAYDOGMA is closed. Bryan “Maydog” Mayer is the owner and webmaster of MAYDOGMA. He also writes for Sportznutz
and 411mania. He hopes that there is a “Maydogma
Airlines” that will pay him millions of dollars for his domain someday. Angry
Mets fans (who wish to have a dirty limerick written about them) can send
their responses to him at bmayer1@maydogma.com. |
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