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9/12/03 Written by Bryan Mayer MAYDOGMA/Sportznutz The Twelfth Book
of MAYDOGMA: Tales of The
Prairie Dog Days Welcome to MAYDOGMA, the wall that I throw shit at to see what sticks… Just as Josh Rynne pointed out, now that the music industry is cracking down and charging everyone for each pirated song on our computers, it could cost you more to download the music that for college tuition… Better start saving up and selling that semen… Well, Tuesday nights are gonna be the death of me this fall. The Season: Notre Dame Football, The Joe Schmoe Show, AND NYPD Blue? Ty, Matt, and Zack, all on one night? Can I get some oxygen? Someday, I hope there is a newspaper devoted entirely to covering the Kobe Bryant trial…Oh wait… Quick Quote: “For Christ sakes, she’s underage.” - The Immortal Elspeth Johnson. I know it’s been a while since the blackout, but let me just send out a nice big FUCK YOU to New York’s own Mike Lupica for writing in his column that he “bet some terrorists would find the hole in the power grid very interesting.” Great job, Mike. How does that dirt taste, you worm? No line for the bathroom was longer than at intermission
of Urinetown: The Musical… Just to finish commenting on Page 2’s Ballpark Tour, a series of articles this summer that probably became my most hated series of internet articles ever written: In the final summary, Jim Caple and Jeff Merron said that their ideal ballpark would include large poles in the outfield, the ability to move up, and no “Take me out to the Ballgame.” So, let me get this straight… The “best ballpark ever” would have seats behind giant poles so you can’t see the game that is void of traditional songs and allows dirt bags to sit in seats they didn’t pay for. Great plan… Quick Quote: “To tell you the truth, I didn’t really notice.” – New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, when asked where he was when the “Great East Coast blackout” started, one of the big blackout in history mind you. If Mike Martz were in charge of my workplace, every employee probably have to decapitated before he or she could take a sick day… Quick Quote: “Wow, I never knew large, monopolizing corporations could be such a force for good in the world.” – Hope Cladwell, Urinetown. Someday, I hope there is a magazine devoted entirely to covering the Kobe Bryant trial…Oh wait…
MAYDOG’s Underrated Invention of the Week: The Rear-View Mirror. Think about it? How many times a week by to look in the rearview mirror? 200 times? Yet it never gets any credit for making your life safer… Quick Quote: “I’m not bitter, I’m just pissed, bored, depressed, and balding.” – The IMMORTAL Matt Wysocki Ok, I gotta admit, I got chills during the finale of Fantasmic in Disney World…There’s just something about seeing Mickey up top of that mountain… (Yeah, I know… I’m a wuss…) Quick Quote: “Damn, I just swept the circle of Death” – Marge Simpson Someday, I hope there is a T.V. station devoted entirely devoted to covering the Kobe Bryant trial…Oh wait… Dear God, it’s been a bad year with all these celebrities dying. Katherine Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Curt Hennig, John Ritter, Freddie Blassie, Mr. Rogers, Gregory Hines, Johnny Cash, AND Bob Hope. (And that’s only the ones I remember!) Can you imagine how long that “Here’s Who Died This Year” montage will be at the Oscars next year? Quick Quote: “Well, I am blind.” – Ray Charles, when asked by a reporter, “What hardships did you have to overcome to become a great singer?” Excerpts for an Actual Conversation: Me: Wait, you BUILT this bar? Celine, this ravenously attractive senior at Notre Dame who is also one of the nicest girls in the world: Yeah…I’m trying to find a way to stain an ND logo into the front of it. I was going to paint it on but I thought it would look weird. I’m also working on… What every male in the vicinity was thinking: Dear God, please marry me!! (OK folks, now that the summer’s over, expect more frequent articles by yours truly. Maybe even next week…Hold your breath in anticipation.) Until Maydog doesn’t spend $500 betting on the NFL and lose half of it by the first day, this book of MAYDOGMA is closed. Bryan “Maydog” Mayer is the owner and webmaster of MAYDOGMA. He also writes for Sportznutz.
He hopes that there is a “Maydogma Airlines” that will pay him millions of
dollars for his domain someday. Angry alumni can send their responses to him
at bmayer1@maydogma.com. |
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