Written by Ted Parks

Guest Columnist to MAYDOGMA.com

“Jury Duty Can Be Awesome”

Ted has finally returned from his tour of duty, so sit back and let me speak on dis as I lay out the background and events of the murda trial I just finished. FYI, I have missed 12 days of work now, and this was better than any vacation I could have taken.

Chapter 1: Background information

People are dumb.

Chapter 2: Background information that is relevant to this case

Now it's time to relax and let me spell out the events that lead up to this murder. Notice I will never say the word "allegedly" in this rendition, that's a lawyer term that they have to use before something is proven. Note: names are not changed to protect the innocent, because I don't care.

Andre called his wife and asked her to pick him up from work at Best Buy on a Tuesday night. Keysha, his wife, got there to pick him up around 8:30 or 9:00. In a smooth move, Andre had forgotten that he also told his girlfriend to pick him up too, and Samya, his girlfriend, got there at the same time as Keysha. The two girls had some words for each other, and Andre went home with Keysha. Samya took it on herself to start a HIGH-SPEED FREEWAY CHASE and followed them to their house, in South Central.

When they got there, the two women had a big verbal fight, and it ended by Keysha spitting on Samya's car and in her face. Andre and Keysha go inside the house, and Samya leaves. Samya goes to her friend Yannick's house and tells her what happened. Yannick is there with a few other people, Miesha and Nicole. All four girls decide to go back to Andre's house.

When they get there, apparently people want Samya and Keysha to fight, but Samya didn't want to. Why? Because she's pregnant. With Andre's baby. Jerry Springer? No. Real life? Yes. So they yell at each other for a few minutes, and then all four girls start to leave. Keysha makes the comment to Yannick "b****, that's why you like p****y" because Yannick is a lesbian...with Andre's sister Mikel. Is this the best story ever or what? Cheating husband, knocked up girlfriend, lesbians, and South Central!!

Yannick gets pissed and comes back to fight Keysha, and they do. Yannick gets destroyed...bitten, scratched, punched, head banged on the driveway, etc. So they leave and go to the hospital, and instead of getting her treated, they call around looking for guys to go back to Andre's house with them. Yannick gets "Milk" and "Bug" to come (actual street names). They all go back, Keysha destroys Yannick again, and everyone gets back into their cars...except Bug. He goes back up to Andre's door, but Andre opens it before Bug gets there. Bug blows Andre away on his doorstep in front of his wife, shooting him four times, runs back to the car, and they take off.

The cops are all over them, since they had been fighting for hours out front, some neighbors had called the police a while before the shooting even took place. Bug got out and ran, and they caught him the next morning.

Chapter 3: Commentary

How awesome is this? I get a trial with pregnant girlfriends and lesbians??

Chapter 4: Trial

In the trial, which lasted about seven days, it comes out that Bug (Rodney Clemons) is often associated with Hoover. Of course since I'm white and smart, I don't know what this is, so they keep explaining. Apparently Hoover means Hoover Crips. Sweet, this keeps getting better and better. Now I'm involved in a pregnant girlfriend, lesbian, gangbanging trial. Now I'm afraid to go home, since there were always people in the courtroom just to watch.

Nothing is funnier than watching lawyers read back statements of these street thugs, since lawyers are educated people and speak English, and let's just say that the defendants don't. Picture high-priced, well-dressed professional attorneys saying the words "coochie," "p***y," "babydaddy," "Bug," "Milk," "cuz," and talking about Rocawear clothes, and you will laugh out loud and tell your friends, just like I planned on reporting this to you all as soon as these words were said in the Superior Court of Los Angeles.

Both Rodney and Yannick were on trial for first degree murder. Since there wasn't much hard evidence that proved that Yannick actually called Rodney to come and kill Andre, we couldn't convict the both of them with Murder 1, but since he clearly was trying to kill him at the time, we convicted Clemons of Murder 2 and with using and discharging a handgun. The total sentence will probably be 40 years to life. We came to this verdict pretty quickly, since there wasn't much doubt about it at all. Of course, when they called everyone back for the reading of his verdict, half of the visitors watching in the courtroom were wearing bright orange, which is the color of the Hoover Crips. Great. Now I'm scared for my life. YEAH RIGHT...I am unstoppable. When the judge asked me if the verdict was my true opinion, I wanted to say "hell yeah put that dumb f***er in jail" but I just said "yes" so I would avoid jail time.

Yannick, however, gave two jurors some trouble. The law says that she is liable for all of his actions, even if she brought him over to fight, or talk, or anything, whatever he does is her responsibility. Unfortunately, two geniuses in the jury room were set from the beginning on not convicting her, because "how can she be convicted of murder when she didn't pull the trigger." What a pair of dumbasses. They 100% went by their personal beliefs, and would not follow the law as it was written. So ultimately we ended up as a hung jury on Yannick, which means she gets re-tried. Assuming she doesn't get 12 hippies, she will definitely get convicted of Murder 2, and probably do 15 to 20 years. I'm pissed that we didn't get her ourselves, but I'm pretty confident that she'll never get found not guilty, so eventually she'll get hers.

Chapter 5: After the trial

One thing that pissed us all off was after the trial was over, we get a chance to talk candidly with the lawyers, if they want to. The prosecutor told us that he had a witness who overheard the phone call that Yannick made to Rodney, and that the only discussion was that she wanted him to come with her to come kill Andre. The prosecutor couldn't get her to testify that, since if she did, she would definitely be shot the next day. That made most of us pretty upset, but like I said, she'll never be found innocent of this, so I'll live.

Another thing that the prosecutor told us is that Rodney had just gotten out of jail for...get this...threatening a buddy's girlfriend by putting a gun to her head. Again, this genius gets involved in situations that he has nothing to do with, brings guns everywhere, and will definitely be in jail 4 life, thanks in part to your hero, Ted Parks.

Unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow, which will definitely seem like prison after this 12 day vacation. Of course, what really would seem like prison is where I sent "Bug" for the rest of his natural life.

Score one for the good guys,

Ted

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