Since the creation of MAYDOGMA five (!) years ago, the only constant has been my annual NCAA column. Writers have come and gone, nations have crumpled, universes have collided…and what still remains is my NCAA column. And hey, my grammar improves with each passing year…

Sure, my fan base is down to maybe 10 people (8 relatives/friends and 2 religious nuts who think I’m some sort of deity). And I’ve made no money from writing. And there’s a good chance that this blog will get less hits this week than some freaky animal porn website where some dudes bang a pig while eating strips of bacon.
Despite all that, I just enjoy writing about the NCAA Tournament every year while getting people to mess up their pools. In 10 years, long after the website’s hosting fees have caused me to file for bankruptcy, I hope to still be writing my NCAA column while intelligent robots enslave the human race, as foretold in so many movies.

This year, as an added challenge, I will try to include ALL 65 tournament teams at least once. That way, I will have talked you out of every team in the field (and even contradicted myself several times). Am I up to this challenge? Of course not; I’ve haven’t posted anything in almost a year. If you seriously follow my advice, well, I got some property in Iraq that I’d like to sell ya…

So, sit back, and enjoy, as MAYDOGMA proudly presents Maydog’s 5th annual guide on “How to lose your office pool as fast as humanly possibly.”


-The Kentucky Rule- Pick the #1 team in the country to win it all. Hey, they’re the best team in the country. The best team ALWAYS wins. Go Florida…

(Wow…I can’t believe I’m going to actually pick Florida to win a few games this year. I don’t think I’ve picked the Gators to win a game in like 5 years. Which may explain my recent lack of success. In fact, I’m gonna spent the rest of the column looking for a GOOD reason not to take Florida…)
(That said, don’t automatically put Florida over Arizona or Maryland, especially given the conference Florida came from. In fact...)


- The Big Ten Rule- Develop a biased opinion against one specific conference. Talk yourself into calling all their teams ‘overrated.’ This year’s conference: The SEC. Other than Florida, none of the SEC’s teams have really impressed me, as evidenced by the next highest ranking being a #5 seed for Tennessee & a #6 seed for Vandy. Kentucky had a ‘so-so’ year. Then Arkansas weaseled its way into the tournament. The SEC was down this year, so I’m using this biased opinion to pick against the SEC.

(Please note: As usual, I DESPERATELY tried to squeeze the Big Ten into the annual “Big Ten Overrated” Spot. But things have changed this year with a new rule…)


- The Jenna Jameson “I’ve been screwed too many times” Big Ten Rule- Never, NEVER, NEVER (!!!!!!) pick a Big Ten team not named Michigan State to win a single game. Last year, I declared my brackets the “Year of the Big Ten” and watched in horror as almost all their teams lost in the first and second round. Fucking Big Ten. So please, proceed with caution when picking either Wisconsin or Ohio St. for the Final Four.
(Note: Michigan State only gets a pass because I’m willing to call last year vs. George Mason a fluke. I still contend that if Texas fielded a starting 5 of Kevin Durante, Lebron James, Moses, James Naismith, and some sort of supernatural wizard, Tom Izzo would still find a way to get past them to the Elite Eight. Now if only I had the guts to pick it this year…)


-The Dick Vitale Final Four Picks Rule- Never pick a lower seed to win. Upsets? There are never any upsets!!


- The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000/Syracuse in 2006 Rule- Pick a team that ONLY looked good in the Big East tourney, unless they are the dirty hillbillies of West Virginia.- No West Virginia this year, so this rule really doesn’t apply; all the Big East teams that looked good in the Big East tournament looked good during the regular season. That said, I was fully prepared to pick against Louisville last week, so always be weary of the ‘hot’ Big East team.


- The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule- Pick your alma mater to win several games. Trust me, your favorite team ALWAYS makes a run, especially if you pick them.

(After three long years, Notre Dame returns to the NCAAs. Congrats to Coach Brey on proving me wrong this year. And, of course, ND gets to face the fashionable Cinderella-upset-pick-team-that-everyone-called-a-Cinderella-upset-pick-team-three-months-ago Winthrop, thus ensuring 80% of the country picks against ND. Whatever; I’m picking the Irish for the Sweet 16…How’s THAT for a homer pick?)

(As always, there is ONE exception to this rule. If your alma mater is in the tournament, and there’s a good chance they probably won’t be there again for another 20 years, by all means, pick them. I call this the Siena corollary. This year’s team: North Texas.)


- The 'Hey, It could happen' rule- Pick a 16 seed to win.- Florida A&M is a juicy pick right now…Niagara is giving me a warm feeling…Jackson St. is really frisky…Central Connecticut State is screaming “Pick me”… Let me know how this one works out for you guys….Speaking of upsets…


- The ‘Vegas casinos are built on the backs of suckers’ Rule- Find the popular upset picks, then run from them. Two popular upset picks this year: Albany over Virginia, and Oral Roberts over Washington St. Yet 95% of the people who will pick Oral Roberts and Albany haven’t seen them play once this year. Just saying…


-The Indiana Rule- Pick with (insert team). Or against them. Or with them. Or against them. Throughout the years, I have learned that there are some teams just can’t be trusted, no matter how good or bad they are playing. Here are a few teams that will always give you headaches:

• Arizona: Lose when they should win. Win when they should lose. (This year is another great test run. The Wildcats have been up and down all year, and are an 8th seed, which usually mean they’ll win a game or two. If they had been a #2 seed, I’d have picked them for the Final Four, and then watch ‘Zona lose to Bumblefuck State U. in Round 1. )

• Syracuse: Doesn’t apply this year b/c they got screwed. But I really hope Gerry McNamara is enjoy the D-League, I really do.

• Pittsburg: Fast becoming the MVP of this list. Pitt ALWAYS loses in the second round as a high seed. And Wright State just beat Butler too…I’m weary of the Panthers.

• Maryland: Never trust the Turtle. You’ll regret it! Believe me, I was thinking of picking Maryland in the Final Four this year before I remembered all my old Maryland scars…

• Georgia Tech: New one. Is it just me, or does GT always either lose their first game, or go to the finals?

• Any team coached by Roy Williams: I like UNC this year, but Roy’s teams do tend to choke when they don’t have 5 NBA-caliber players on them. Or to quote Roy: I don’t give a shit about North Carolina.

• Any team coached by Bobby Knight: Texas Tech could win 30 straight games and I’d still be nervous because of all the office pool damage Coach Knight caused me in the ‘90’s.

• Indiana: Fucking corn boys…Don’t get me started on that 2002 run…

• Gonzaga: I have NEVER picked a Zags games correctly.

(Holy Crap, I just realized that Indiana is PLAYING Gonzaga in the first round! How the hell did THAT happen? This is like the all time bad karma game. I HAVE to pick one of them?


•And two special teams that deserve their own rules this year:


- The Jayhawks Rule: Never pick Kansas. I think I’ve picked Kansas to go to the Final Four 4 of the last 5 years and they always screw me over. You’ve been warned…


And…


- The Posers Rule- Underestimate Duke. Or Don’t Underestimate Duke. Or Underestimate Duke. Which Coach K team will show up this year: the one that wins championships or the only that chokes against UConn, Kansas, Indiana, Michigan State, & LSU (List keeps getting longer and longer every year?)? I never have any idea. That being said:


- The Moron Rule- Pick Duke to lose in the first round. Look, I hate Duke as much as everyone else. But you’re a complete moron if you’re picking VCU to beat Coach K in the first round. Duke has lost a first round game ONCE in the last 25 years, plus only 4 SECOND ROUND games in that timeframe. This year’s Duke team is not great, but I’m not messing with a streak like that. You can be brave for me…


- The Bugsy Siegel rule- Pick teams from the states of Nevada and Utah to win their first games. - Look, I don’t know if it’s just a coincidence (wink-wink), but I always pick UNLV, Utah, or Nevada to win their first game, and they always seem to come through. Not that I’m accusing anyone of anything. Seriously, it’s all just a coincidence all these teams are near Las Vegas, correct? Please don’t break my legs or anything…


- The Jane Krivickas- Illinois rule- Find out which STATE has the most teams from it in the tournament. Pick all those schools. A reader suggested this rule after she claimed to fill out her brackets using only schools located in Illinois. This year's state: Texas; with Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, North Texas, Texas A&M CC, Texas West-Eastern North School Culinary Arts, Norteastern Middle Texas University for Puppeteers, Texas Midwest Southern ABC of D East, and the rest of the gang.


- The George Mason Rule- Always pick teams that ‘didn’t belong in the tournament’ to win their first round game. Look, we all know that Stanford, Illinois, Purdue, & Arkansas are crappy teams that probably didn’t deserve to be in the tournament. But guess what? Those teams are gonna hear all week that they don’t deserve to be in the tournament, which will motivate the hell out of them. Just look at George Mason last year: Lost in the big GM run is the fact they didn’t deserve a bid in the first place. A little motivation can go a long way…Speaking of George Mason:


-The Haley’s Coment Rule- Try to find ‘the next George Mason.’ Guess what folks? Final Four runs by low mid-majors come along once a lifetime. All the experts are falling over themselves to crown ‘the next George Mason.’ Guess what? It’s not gonna happen every year. So stop shoving Creighton, Davidson, Old Dominion, VCU, and especially Winthrop (yes, I know, I’m biased) down our throats as title contenders. That said:


- The Valpo rule- Mid majors suck and never win. HA!


-The UCLA in 96 / Joe Feehan in 2001 Rule- Overrate the defending champion. Again, after years of picking against Florida, I find it physically impossible to pick the Gators, almost like rejecting a bad heart transplant. So I’m ignoring the ‘overrate the defending champion’ rule this year, despite 2007 being the one year when it actually makes sense to pick the defending champion…Dear god, what the hell am I thinking?


- The Pinky and All-Brainy Rule- Pick the Ivory League team to win. I think I do this every year for no reason whatsoever. (Well, mostly because Pete Carrill won those games in the mid 90’s, which I picked in my brackets.) Go Penn!


-The 16 years of Catholic School rule- Never pick a school with the word “State” in its name. Public school is overrated…New Mexico State & Long Beach State: You’re on notice…


-The 16 years of Catholic School rule (Part II)- Pick against the Mormons. Later BYU…


The Boston College Rule- Pick against teams you just don’t like. The key to picking correct brackets is to use your head as little as possible. All heart baby… Pick against USC because of football rivalries. Pick against BC because they tried to wreck the Big East. Pick against Georgetown because you couldn’t get into school there. Pick against George Washington because your great, great grandfather was a Redcoat. Pick against Villanova because Jay Wright makes you question your sexuality. Pick against Xavier because the letter ‘X’ confuses and disturbs you. Pick against Virginia Tech because a rich engineer had sex with your wife. Pick against Marquette because you hate dairy. Try to find the most inane reason that has as little to do with basketball as possible, then pick accordingly…


-The Broken Compass rule- Never pick a school with a direction in its name. Eastern Kentucky, my ass…


-The St. Joe's in 2004 rule/Memphis in 2006 rule- ‘Bad’ Conference Champion=Elite Eight. I’ve been following this line of thinking for a few years now, ever since my St. Joe's Final Four pick in 2004 (which was about 10 seconds away from being inspired). ‘Upper’ mid-major (Non-BCS: CUSA, A-10, Horizon league, maybe the MVC at this point) champions that receive high seeds (like #2 Memphis this year) have most people picking against them making the Sweet Sixteen. Teams like that ALWAYS surprise you. Considering picking Butler and Memphis this year as a test run. (And yes, also consider flushing your money down the toilet while you’re at it.)


-The Otto the Syracuse Orange Rule- Pick the school with the better mascot. If you follow this one, Syracuse would win every year, with Florida as the runner-up…Crap, more reason to pick Florida…


-The Matt Doherty Rule- Pick coaches from your hometown. Long Island is known as the “cradle of coaches,” having produced several top level coaches (Rick Pitino, Jay Wright, Billy Donovan). Should this information sway my decision come tournament time? Damn straight it should. Go Louisville…


- Finally, The “Maydog Inflated Ego” Rule: Try to be a hero/ Duplicate past successes- For two years running, this websitre has given you THE upset pick of the first round, hitting with #14 Bucknell over #3 Kansas in 2005 (which was awesome) & #13 Northwestern St. over #5 Iowa in 2006 (which was awful because I ignored my own stupid advice and bet money on Iowa). With this streak of incredible good luck, you’d think I’d quit while I’m ‘ahead.’ Right? RIGHT!?? Of course not! So let’s try to figure out this year’s gigantic upset pick that no one else sees coming.

Here were this year’s choices, in order of elimination:
-New Mexico State over Texas (too insane)
-Belmont over Georgetown (ditto)
-North Texas over Memphis (kinda like Memphis this year)
-Penn over Texas A&M (no chance)
-Oral Roberts over Washington (too many people picking this one)
-Holy Cross over Southern Illnois (not big enough upset)

-The runner up-Weber St over UCLA (Came DANGEROUSLY close to this one, but can UCLA really lose 3 in a row?)

And the winner of this year’s ridiculous Maydog pick: #14 Miami (OH) over #3 Oregon.

Miami (OH) played maybe TWO good games all season; Oregon was scorching hot at the beginning of the year and will basically be playing a home game Friday. But I’m trying to be a hero here and top myself. This would truly be my greatest pick ever, so let’s how this works out…God, I’m such an idiot…


And while that shocking bit of insanity, let’s get those pencils rolling…


Happy picking everyone.

Labels: College Basketball