Thursday, March 16, 2006
MAYDOG vs MARCH MADNESS V4
Who am I to break tradition, even when I haven’t posted in months?
The fact is, my favorite column to write (and, in fact, the only column I’ve written in months) involves the annual NCAA Basketball Tournament. Who cares if no one’s going to read it?
This year’s field looks harder than ever to predict. But don’t worry, fair reader. (Reader? What reader?) With my help, I can easily show you the fastest way to light your money on fire and be the laughingstock of your office pool.
So, MAYDOGMA proudly presents my 4th annual guide on “How to lose your office pool as fast as humanly possibly.”
-The Kentucky Rule- Pick the #1 team in the country to win it all. Hey, they’re the best team in the country. The best team ALWAYS wins. Go Du…
(Now wait a minute…Is Duke REALLY the best team right now? Come on…)
-The Big Ten Rule- Develop a biased against one specific conference. Talk yourself into calling overrated. This year’s candidate: The PAC-10. Just a down year for the entire conference. So, I’m picking everyone except UCLA to lose in the first round, and then I’m showing no respect for flashy pick UCLA by having them lose in the Sweet Sixteen.
(Please note: All year, while thinking about this column, I was DESPERATELY trying to squeeze the Big Ten into the annual “Big Ten Overrated” Spot. But guess what? I like most of those teams this year. So this is Maydog’s “YEAR OF THE BIG TEN” Bracket. If they screw me again (like Ohio State losing to Georgetown, which better not happen), that’s it! I’m never picking another Big Ten school (other than Michigan State-see below) to win another game ever…)
-The Big East Rule- If you watch only one conference all year, pick all the teams from that conference. For example, being a fan of Notre Dame and Villanova, I watch mostly Big East games during the regular season. So what happens in my pool? 4 Big East Teams to the Sweet Sixteen, 2 to the Elite Eight, and 2 in the Final Four. A great way to show off your “diverse” knowledge of college basketball!...However:
-The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule- Pick a team that only looked good in the Big East tourney.- Ok, so this rule was pretty much destroyed last year by West Virginia band of hillbillies. And Syracuse looked pretty awesome in the tournament this year that I was talking myself into picking another Orange run. (see below)
So, let’s modify this rule a little:
-The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule- Pick a team that only looked good in the Big East tourney, unless the team that looked good contains a bunch of hillbillies, including a tall, doofy, white-trash center, a guy whose been in college for 8 years, the coach’s son, an overrated shooter, and a fan base that once threw fruit at Maydog. - There we go. Covers all bases.
-The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule- Pick your alma mater to win several games. Trust me, your favorite team ALWAYS makes a run, especially if you pick them. Doesn’t apply this year…Yay, NIT!
-The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule (Part II)- Pick your FUTURE alma mater to win several games. Doesn’t apply this year because Hofstra got screwed. Yay, NIT!
(However, there is ONE exception to these rules. If your alma mater is in the tournament, and there’s a good chance they probably won’t be there again for another 20 years, by all means, pick them. We call this the Siena/Niagara corollary. This year’s team: Albany.)
-The Chalk Rule- Never pick a lower seed to win. Upsets? There are never any upsets!!
-The Indiana Rule- Pick with (insert team). Or against them. Or with them. Or against them. Throughout my years picking the tournament, I have learned there are some teams you just can’t trust, no matter how good or bad they are. Here are a few teams that will always give you headaches:
· Arizona: Lose when they should win, win when they should lose. (This year is a great test run. They have no business even winning a game this year, so I wouldn’t be shocked to see them in the finals.)
· Kansas: Underachieves most of time.
· Florida: The most frustrating team of the last few years. Any year I suck myself into them, they lose to Manhattan. This year, overrated again as a 3 seed, I’m staying as far away from them as possible and picking Wisconsin-Mil. in the second round. (This rule is JOSH RYNNE APPROVED!)
· Syracuse: I found myself getting sucked into Syracuse again this year after picking them for the final four last year and watching them lose to Vermont (which I KNEW, KNEW was gonna happen after I picked ‘Cuse). But with Gerry “MY GOD, how are you still in college?” McNamara primed to score 50 points in the first two games (maybe he’s just pretending the other teams have Notre Dame jerseys on), the Orange look like a good sleeper pick. So beware…
· Gonzaga: I have NEVER picked a Zags games correctly. And then they went and lost to Bobby Knight last year!
· Indiana: Ah welcome back, my old nemesis, the Hoosiers. Only two options for Indiana: Lose in first round, or go to the finals. Fucking corn boys…
· - And one team that deserves it’s own rule, only because how you rate them ALWAYS affects your entire bracket:
- The Posers Rule- Underestimate Duke. Or Don’t Underestimate Duke. Or Underestimate Duke. Which Coach K team will show up this year: the one that wins championships or the only that chokes against UCONN, Kansas, Indiana, & Michigan State (notice how this list gets longer and longer every year?)? I never have any idea. This year, well this does NOT feel like a Duke championship team…So I guess they’re winning the title…
-The “There is no god” rule- Pick a team that will cause Bryan Mayer to get mad/ suffer through a heartbreaking loss- Let’s face it folks: I’m jinxed right now. In the past 26 months, the Red Sox won the World Series, USC won a national title, the Rangers are in first place, the Yankees lost two heartbreaking playoff series, Notre Dame football had the worst heartbreaking loss in history, Notre Dame basketball suffered about 5 Million heartbreakers, the Islanders feel apart, the Knicks fell apart, the Giants got destroyed in the playoffs…It just goes on and on. So I fully prepared for a Final Four run by Boston College, just to break my spirit…
-The Jane Kulm Illinois rule- Find out which STATE has the most teams from it in the tournament. Pick all those schools. A reader suggested this rule after she claimed to fill out her brackets using only schools located in Illinois. This year's state: Tenessee, and yes, both Tennessee and Memphis look kinda frisky this year.
-The 'Hey, It could happen' rule- Pick a 16 seed to win.- Let me know how this one works out for you guys….
- The “How’s my garbage?” rule- Pick against Teams from New Jersey. – Just because. Goodbye, Seton Hall. Goodbye, Monmouth.
- The Valpo rule- Mid majors suck and never win. – Ah yes, it’s the year of the Mid Major. And guess what? I’m picking all the MVC teams to lose as quickly as possible. (Well, except Wichita State, because Seton Hall blows)
- The Pinky and All-Brainy Rule- Pick the Ivory League team to win. I think I do this every year for no reason whatsoever. (Well, mostly because Pete Carrill won those games in the mid 90’s.) Go Penn! (Thank you to the committee for making them a 15 seed, thus removing the temptation.)
- The Monkey Wretch Rule- Pick against a team you think is overrated. Base your whole bracket on the thought of them losing. This year’s team: Boston College. Al Skinner is overrated. Everyone’s on their bandwagon. And they have all the bad karma of trying to wreck the Big East last year. And I hate them (J). So I’m picking them to be upset in the first round, even against an inferior, overmatched Pacific team, thus putting my entire bracket in jeopardy due to blind hatred. Go to fucking hell, BC…
(March Madness-Feel the love)
-The 16 years of Catholic School rule- Never pick a school with the word “State” in its name. Public school is overrated…
-The “Never pick a school with a direction in its name” rule.- Northern Iowa, my ass…
-The Otto the Syracuse Orange Rule- Pick the school with the better mascot. If you follow this one, Syracuse would win every year, with Florida as the runner-up…
-The UCLA in 96 / Joe Feehan in 2001 Rule- Overrate the defending champion. Just like with MSU in 2001(where I picked them to go to the finals), Maryland in 2003 (where I picked them for the final four), Syracuse in 2004 (where I picked them to win 3 games), and UCONN last year (where I picked them for the finals) you should consider riding the North Carolina bandwagon all the way to the finals. The defending champion has experience, and experience wins in March. However, UNC is running into the wrong team this year…
-The “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em rule”- ALWAYS, ALWAYS,ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS pick Michigan State to go to the Elite Eight. – Last year I wrote:
“OK, that’s it…Next year, no matter who Michigan State is playing, I’m picking them for the Elite Eight. I don’t care if Kentucky fielded a team of Shaq, Tim Duncan, Godzilla, Mothra, and Moses….I’m STILL picking Tom Izzo’s team to beat them in the second round…”
So, what was the first thing I did with my brackets? Damn straight, I didn’t even look at who MSU was playing. Right to the Elite Eight. This happens EVERY YEAR. Just trust me on this one…
(Of course, if MSU loses to a karma filled George Mason team (whose been told all week how they don’t belong in the tournament), well, then you didn’t heard it from me…)
-The Matt Doherty Rule- Pick coaches from your hometown. Long Island is known as the “cradle of coaches,” having produced several top level coaches (Rick Pitino, Jay Wright, Billy Donovan) in recent years. Should this information sway my decision come tournament time? Damn straight it should. Go Gators…
- The “Stephon Marbury Inflated Ego” Rule: Try to be a hero/ Duplicate past successes- Last year, I called maybe my greatest upset pick of all time- #14 Bucknell over #3 Kansas. And yes, I am DAMN PROUD of that one. So this year, I’m trying to top myself with another ridiculous upset pick. After eliminating some big stretches (Oral Roberts over Memphis, Penn over Texas, Iona over LSU, Winthrop over Tenn), here’s this year’s ridiculous Maydog pick: Northwestern St. over Iowa. I know absolutely nothing about Northwestern St. And I actually think Iowa’s pretty good. But I’m trying to be a hero here and top myself. (God, I’m such an idiot)
-The St. Joe's in 2004 rule- Jump on a Bandwagon. From the makers of the Syracuse in 2003 pick (which was inspired) and the St. Joe's in 2004 pick (which was 10 seconds away from being inspired), I give your this year's team that 'everyone is bashing but I'm picking them to prove everyone wrong'....Memphis.
(OK, actually, I really don’t like Memphis this year either. Pick them and you really will screw up your pool.)
-And lastly, The “Why the hell should I listen to you, you haven’t posted the months, you scumbag!” rule- Actually listen to me- Hey, who am I to argue?
Happy picking everyone.
The fact is, my favorite column to write (and, in fact, the only column I’ve written in months) involves the annual NCAA Basketball Tournament. Who cares if no one’s going to read it?
This year’s field looks harder than ever to predict. But don’t worry, fair reader. (Reader? What reader?) With my help, I can easily show you the fastest way to light your money on fire and be the laughingstock of your office pool.
So, MAYDOGMA proudly presents my 4th annual guide on “How to lose your office pool as fast as humanly possibly.”
-The Kentucky Rule- Pick the #1 team in the country to win it all. Hey, they’re the best team in the country. The best team ALWAYS wins. Go Du…
(Now wait a minute…Is Duke REALLY the best team right now? Come on…)
-The Big Ten Rule- Develop a biased against one specific conference. Talk yourself into calling overrated. This year’s candidate: The PAC-10. Just a down year for the entire conference. So, I’m picking everyone except UCLA to lose in the first round, and then I’m showing no respect for flashy pick UCLA by having them lose in the Sweet Sixteen.
(Please note: All year, while thinking about this column, I was DESPERATELY trying to squeeze the Big Ten into the annual “Big Ten Overrated” Spot. But guess what? I like most of those teams this year. So this is Maydog’s “YEAR OF THE BIG TEN” Bracket. If they screw me again (like Ohio State losing to Georgetown, which better not happen), that’s it! I’m never picking another Big Ten school (other than Michigan State-see below) to win another game ever…)
-The Big East Rule- If you watch only one conference all year, pick all the teams from that conference. For example, being a fan of Notre Dame and Villanova, I watch mostly Big East games during the regular season. So what happens in my pool? 4 Big East Teams to the Sweet Sixteen, 2 to the Elite Eight, and 2 in the Final Four. A great way to show off your “diverse” knowledge of college basketball!...However:
-The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule- Pick a team that only looked good in the Big East tourney.- Ok, so this rule was pretty much destroyed last year by West Virginia band of hillbillies. And Syracuse looked pretty awesome in the tournament this year that I was talking myself into picking another Orange run. (see below)
So, let’s modify this rule a little:
-The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule- Pick a team that only looked good in the Big East tourney, unless the team that looked good contains a bunch of hillbillies, including a tall, doofy, white-trash center, a guy whose been in college for 8 years, the coach’s son, an overrated shooter, and a fan base that once threw fruit at Maydog. - There we go. Covers all bases.
-The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule- Pick your alma mater to win several games. Trust me, your favorite team ALWAYS makes a run, especially if you pick them. Doesn’t apply this year…Yay, NIT!
-The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule (Part II)- Pick your FUTURE alma mater to win several games. Doesn’t apply this year because Hofstra got screwed. Yay, NIT!
(However, there is ONE exception to these rules. If your alma mater is in the tournament, and there’s a good chance they probably won’t be there again for another 20 years, by all means, pick them. We call this the Siena/Niagara corollary. This year’s team: Albany.)
-The Chalk Rule- Never pick a lower seed to win. Upsets? There are never any upsets!!
-The Indiana Rule- Pick with (insert team). Or against them. Or with them. Or against them. Throughout my years picking the tournament, I have learned there are some teams you just can’t trust, no matter how good or bad they are. Here are a few teams that will always give you headaches:
· Arizona: Lose when they should win, win when they should lose. (This year is a great test run. They have no business even winning a game this year, so I wouldn’t be shocked to see them in the finals.)
· Kansas: Underachieves most of time.
· Florida: The most frustrating team of the last few years. Any year I suck myself into them, they lose to Manhattan. This year, overrated again as a 3 seed, I’m staying as far away from them as possible and picking Wisconsin-Mil. in the second round. (This rule is JOSH RYNNE APPROVED!)
· Syracuse: I found myself getting sucked into Syracuse again this year after picking them for the final four last year and watching them lose to Vermont (which I KNEW, KNEW was gonna happen after I picked ‘Cuse). But with Gerry “MY GOD, how are you still in college?” McNamara primed to score 50 points in the first two games (maybe he’s just pretending the other teams have Notre Dame jerseys on), the Orange look like a good sleeper pick. So beware…
· Gonzaga: I have NEVER picked a Zags games correctly. And then they went and lost to Bobby Knight last year!
· Indiana: Ah welcome back, my old nemesis, the Hoosiers. Only two options for Indiana: Lose in first round, or go to the finals. Fucking corn boys…
· - And one team that deserves it’s own rule, only because how you rate them ALWAYS affects your entire bracket:
- The Posers Rule- Underestimate Duke. Or Don’t Underestimate Duke. Or Underestimate Duke. Which Coach K team will show up this year: the one that wins championships or the only that chokes against UCONN, Kansas, Indiana, & Michigan State (notice how this list gets longer and longer every year?)? I never have any idea. This year, well this does NOT feel like a Duke championship team…So I guess they’re winning the title…
-The “There is no god” rule- Pick a team that will cause Bryan Mayer to get mad/ suffer through a heartbreaking loss- Let’s face it folks: I’m jinxed right now. In the past 26 months, the Red Sox won the World Series, USC won a national title, the Rangers are in first place, the Yankees lost two heartbreaking playoff series, Notre Dame football had the worst heartbreaking loss in history, Notre Dame basketball suffered about 5 Million heartbreakers, the Islanders feel apart, the Knicks fell apart, the Giants got destroyed in the playoffs…It just goes on and on. So I fully prepared for a Final Four run by Boston College, just to break my spirit…
-The Jane Kulm Illinois rule- Find out which STATE has the most teams from it in the tournament. Pick all those schools. A reader suggested this rule after she claimed to fill out her brackets using only schools located in Illinois. This year's state: Tenessee, and yes, both Tennessee and Memphis look kinda frisky this year.
-The 'Hey, It could happen' rule- Pick a 16 seed to win.- Let me know how this one works out for you guys….
- The “How’s my garbage?” rule- Pick against Teams from New Jersey. – Just because. Goodbye, Seton Hall. Goodbye, Monmouth.
- The Valpo rule- Mid majors suck and never win. – Ah yes, it’s the year of the Mid Major. And guess what? I’m picking all the MVC teams to lose as quickly as possible. (Well, except Wichita State, because Seton Hall blows)
- The Pinky and All-Brainy Rule- Pick the Ivory League team to win. I think I do this every year for no reason whatsoever. (Well, mostly because Pete Carrill won those games in the mid 90’s.) Go Penn! (Thank you to the committee for making them a 15 seed, thus removing the temptation.)
- The Monkey Wretch Rule- Pick against a team you think is overrated. Base your whole bracket on the thought of them losing. This year’s team: Boston College. Al Skinner is overrated. Everyone’s on their bandwagon. And they have all the bad karma of trying to wreck the Big East last year. And I hate them (J). So I’m picking them to be upset in the first round, even against an inferior, overmatched Pacific team, thus putting my entire bracket in jeopardy due to blind hatred. Go to fucking hell, BC…
(March Madness-Feel the love)
-The 16 years of Catholic School rule- Never pick a school with the word “State” in its name. Public school is overrated…
-The “Never pick a school with a direction in its name” rule.- Northern Iowa, my ass…
-The Otto the Syracuse Orange Rule- Pick the school with the better mascot. If you follow this one, Syracuse would win every year, with Florida as the runner-up…
-The UCLA in 96 / Joe Feehan in 2001 Rule- Overrate the defending champion. Just like with MSU in 2001(where I picked them to go to the finals), Maryland in 2003 (where I picked them for the final four), Syracuse in 2004 (where I picked them to win 3 games), and UCONN last year (where I picked them for the finals) you should consider riding the North Carolina bandwagon all the way to the finals. The defending champion has experience, and experience wins in March. However, UNC is running into the wrong team this year…
-The “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em rule”- ALWAYS, ALWAYS,ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS pick Michigan State to go to the Elite Eight. – Last year I wrote:
“OK, that’s it…Next year, no matter who Michigan State is playing, I’m picking them for the Elite Eight. I don’t care if Kentucky fielded a team of Shaq, Tim Duncan, Godzilla, Mothra, and Moses….I’m STILL picking Tom Izzo’s team to beat them in the second round…”
So, what was the first thing I did with my brackets? Damn straight, I didn’t even look at who MSU was playing. Right to the Elite Eight. This happens EVERY YEAR. Just trust me on this one…
(Of course, if MSU loses to a karma filled George Mason team (whose been told all week how they don’t belong in the tournament), well, then you didn’t heard it from me…)
-The Matt Doherty Rule- Pick coaches from your hometown. Long Island is known as the “cradle of coaches,” having produced several top level coaches (Rick Pitino, Jay Wright, Billy Donovan) in recent years. Should this information sway my decision come tournament time? Damn straight it should. Go Gators…
- The “Stephon Marbury Inflated Ego” Rule: Try to be a hero/ Duplicate past successes- Last year, I called maybe my greatest upset pick of all time- #14 Bucknell over #3 Kansas. And yes, I am DAMN PROUD of that one. So this year, I’m trying to top myself with another ridiculous upset pick. After eliminating some big stretches (Oral Roberts over Memphis, Penn over Texas, Iona over LSU, Winthrop over Tenn), here’s this year’s ridiculous Maydog pick: Northwestern St. over Iowa. I know absolutely nothing about Northwestern St. And I actually think Iowa’s pretty good. But I’m trying to be a hero here and top myself. (God, I’m such an idiot)
-The St. Joe's in 2004 rule- Jump on a Bandwagon. From the makers of the Syracuse in 2003 pick (which was inspired) and the St. Joe's in 2004 pick (which was 10 seconds away from being inspired), I give your this year's team that 'everyone is bashing but I'm picking them to prove everyone wrong'....Memphis.
(OK, actually, I really don’t like Memphis this year either. Pick them and you really will screw up your pool.)
-And lastly, The “Why the hell should I listen to you, you haven’t posted the months, you scumbag!” rule- Actually listen to me- Hey, who am I to argue?
Happy picking everyone.
Labels: College Basketball
# posted by Bryan
