“Ice is Back With a Brand New Invention”


Next time you’re at a party and you find that all the drinks are disgustingly warm, there’s no need to send somebody to the store to buy ice. “Why? Have they invented a magic cooling dust?” you might ask. And you might be a complete idiot. The answer is simple: E-Ice.com.


Founded last August by John Franks, E-Ice.com has quickly become the internet’s leading ice provider. At least in Franks’ head. The fact is E-Ice.com has yet to crack $100 of revenue during their first eight months of operations.


“The demand was not as high as I initially estimated,” Franks said. “I assumed ice-on-demand was the next Napster.”


Well, John, we all know what happens when you assume….


His website has only logged 63 hits since August 2002, 41 of which were Franks continually refreshing the page last weekend when he got bored. E-Ice.com has received 4 orders, a total of $20 in sales. Combined with the 2 t-shirt sales (his mother and father), E-Ice.com has generated $64 of revenue.

(Editor’s Note: HA! Even we make more than that! Well, no not really… –BM)

When asked how he expects to cover his costs, Franks replied, “What costs? My freezer makes the ice for me, and my grandma gave me money to register the website.”


What about shipping and packaging costs?


“Nah, the customers are supposed to come to my house to pick up their ice orders,” explains CEO and President Franks.


Clearly a solid business model. Solid.


Franks, a 1998 graduate of Purdue University’s “Wish I Could Get Into a Real College But I’m Too Dumb” program, founded E-Ice.com last August with $100 his grandma gave to him for his birthday.


“All I needed was a web page and some ice,” Franks explains. “Everything else should have just fallen into place.”


Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t fall as low as Franks’ IQ. Internet-delivered ice is not the most lucrative business, as witnessed by several failed attempts in the last several years.


In 1999, William Robertson, a 76-year-old farmer from El Paso, Texas, tried to sell ice on the internet, but forgot to factor in the intense heat of the southern state. The year 2000 saw the entrance of two internet ice deliverers to the market, only to see them quickly melt away after 2 months due to lack of market exposure.


Franks, however, believes he has learned the lessons taught by those failure stories.


“I’ve bought TV spots in 20 markets across the country and the world. There’s no way anybody is going to go one day without hearing about E-Ice.com,” claims Franks. “And I keep my ice in the freezer until they come pick it up. I’m not stupid like that Robertson fella.”


The TV ads cost Franks $1.5 million, a substantial sum, considering E-Ice.com’s revenue problems.


Franks says, “Oh, the bank just gave me that money. I don’t think I even have to pay it back! Isn’t that SWEET?”


The future of E-Ice.com is unclear. Well, actually it’s pretty obvious. Nobody can sell ice on the internet. Not even Monica’s dad on Friends. As for John Franks, he’d better find somebody to run his business (or what’s left of it) after he is jailed for not paying back his loans. Oh, John, and if you thought that ice was slippery, please please please hold on to that soap!