Wednesday, March 16, 2005
MAYDOG vs March Madness, Verison 3
It’s the event that unites the sports fan and the degenerate gambler in all of us.
That’s right, it’s the 2005 NCAA Tournament…or as I call it, Groundhog Day.
The entire month of March always unfolds one of two ways:
1)I will pick most first round games correctly (like in 2003, where I got 28 right the first day); then, as expectations rise and I start getting excited about winning the pool, I’d lose every single game there after.
2)I will have a middling first round (20-24), then lose at least one Final Four team by the second round, but would still be looking good going into week 2. Then, after teasing me just long enough to make me think I’m gonna win, 2 more final four teams lose in the regional finals. My one remaining team wins the title.
Trust me, every year, no matter how much research I do and which leagues I follow, my brackets always fall into one of these two molds, with just enough heartbreak along the way.
So why do I bother? I tell you why: like I said, I'm a huge sports fan, and a degenerate gambler at heart. This event was made for me.
So, seeing as it’s my favorite column to write all year (OK…I’ll be honest, it’s fast becoming the ONLY column I write all year), MAYDOGMA presents my 3rd annual “How to lose your office pool as fast as humanly possibly” column.
-The Kentucky Rule- Pick the #1 team in the country to win it all. Hey, they’re the best team in the country. The best team ALWAYS wins. Go Illinois!!
(Oh god!! I’m actually following this one this year and picking an Illini championship. What am I doing?)
The Big Ten Rule- Develop a biased against one specific conference. Talk yourself into calling overrated. This year’s candidate: The Southeastern Conference. I hate the SEC. The entire conference is filled with up and down teams, most of which get hot just long enough to grab a ridiculously high seed. So I’m picking most SEC members to get upset in the first round. Why? Pretty much blind hatred…
(One note: You don’t know how dangerously close the Big East came to filling this spot.)
-The Big East Rule- If you watch only one conference all year, pick all the teams from that conference. For example, being a fan of Notre Dame and Villanova, I watch mostly Big East games during the regular season. So what happens in my pool? 3 Big East Teams to the Sweet Sixteen, 3 to the Elite Eight, and 1 to the Final Four. A great way to show off your “diverse” knowledge of college basketball!...However:
-The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule- Pick a team that only looked good in the Big East tourney. Way too many people are giving West Virginia too much credit right now, even though they've only looked impressive for 1 week the entire year. If you want to submarine your pool quickly, pick the Mountaineers...
-The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule- Pick your alma mater to win several games. Trust me, your favorite team ALWAYS makes a run, especially if you pick them. Doesn’t apply this year…and it’s Notre Dame’s own damn fault!
However, there is ONE exception to this rule. If you’ve an alma mater is in the tournament, and there’s a good chance they won’t be there again for another 20 years, by all means, pick them. We call this the Siena/Niagara corollary
-The Dick Vitale's Final Four picks Rule- Never pick a lower seed to win. Upsets? There are never any upsets!!
-The Indiana Rule- Pick with. Or against them. Or with them. Or against them.
Arizona: Lose when they should win, win when they should lose.
Cincinnati: Wow…has there ever been a more overrated coach than that I-should-have-been-fired-for-drunk-driving asshole Bob Huggins?
Wake Forest: Never gets to the Final Four (Hey, I’m just the messenger)
Florida: The most frustrating team of the last few years. Any year I suck myself into them, they lose to Manhattan. In fact, once Ohio beats the Gators this year, I'm renaming this the Florida Rule.
Gonzaga: I have NEVER picked a Zags games correctly.
Indiana: The MVP of this list. Fucking Corn Boys. Doesn’t apply this year…and Thank god for that.
- And one team that deserves it’s own rule, only because how you rate them ALWAYS affects your entire bracket:
- The Non-Posers Rule- Underestimate Duke. Or Don’t Underestimate Duke. Or Underestimate Duke. Which Coach K team will show up this year: the one that wins championships or the only that chokes against UCONN, Kansas, & Indiana? I never have any idea. After last year, when I thought Duke was an overrated, crappy team and ended up in the Final Four, I ready to jam a thumbtack into my eye. This year…well who really knows? Are the Blue Devils even the best team in their Conference? Of course not. So I’m picking against them again…
-The Sweater Rule- Any team coached by Bobby Knight is destined to win a few games. Come on. He’s Bobby Knight, one of the best coaches of our generation. He never loses in the first round…
-The Jane Kulm Illinois rule- Find out which STATE has the most teams from it in the tournament. Pick all those schools. A reader suggested this rule last year after she claimed to fill out her brackets using only schools located in Illinois. This year's candidate: Iowa, even though none those teams are anything special.
-The 'Hey, It could happen' rule- Pick a 16 seed to win. Something special is happening with Oakland, folks. I'm getting warm feelings thinking about them, though that could be from a spider bite.
- The Valpo rule- Mid majors suck and never win. I believe mid majors conference are overrated and the less in the tourney, the better. With that said, they always win at least 4 games. I hate them. Death to Gonzaga! Death to Southern Illinois! Death to Saint Marys! This reminds me…
- The Pinky and All-Brain Rule- Pick the Ivory League team to win. I think I do this every year for no reason whatsoever. Go Penn!
-The Boston College Rule- Pick against teams you just don’t like. The key is to use your head as little as possible. Pick with the heart, baby! This year’s candidates: MSU, N.C. State, Cincinnati, Duke. Oh and also…
- The Monkey Wretch Rule- Pick against a team you think is overrated. Base your whole bracket on the thought of them losing. This year’s team: Kansas. In January, I was ready to pick them to win the title. Then, they get blown out by Villanova and lose like 30 games coming down the stretch. So I’m picking them to be upset in the first round, even against an inferior, overmatched Bucknell team. Jesus Christ, what am I thinking?
-The 16 years of Catholic School rule- Never pick a school with the word “State” in its name. Public school is overrated…
The Never pick a school with a direction in its name. Eastern Kentucky my ass…
-The Otto the Syracuse Orange Rule- Pick the school with the better mascot. If you follow this one, Syracuse would win every year, with Florida as the runner-up…
-The UCLA in 96 / Joe Feehan in 2001 Rule- Overrate the defending champion. Just like with MSU in 2001(where I picked them to go to the finals), Maryland in 2003 (where I picked them for the final four), and Syracuse last year (where I picked them to win 3 games), I’m considering riding the Connecticut bandwagon all the way to the finals. I know it’s going to end in disappointment, but I can’t help myself.
-The Matt Doherty Rule- Pick coaches from your hometown. Long Island is known as the “cradle of coaches,” having produced several top level coaches (Rick Pitino, Jay Wright, Billy Donovan) in recent years. Should this information sway my decision come tournament time? Damn straight it should. Go Gators…
-And lastly, The St. Joe's in 2004 rule- Jump on a Bandwagon. From the makers of the Syracuse in 2003 pick (which was inspired) and the St. Joe's in 2004 pick (which was 10 seconds away from being inspired), I give your this year's team that 'everyone is banishing but I'm picking them to prove everyone wrong'....the Washington Huskies. Not one person thus far has said, “I’m picking Washington!” Well guess what? I’m picking Washington. In fact, I plan of looking smarter than all you doubters in a few weeks when the Huskies make the Final Four. There’s plenty of time to change your mind and get on the winning side. I’ll keep the window seat warm for you. Who’s with me??
(God, I’m such an idiot.)
Happy picking everyone.
That’s right, it’s the 2005 NCAA Tournament…or as I call it, Groundhog Day.
The entire month of March always unfolds one of two ways:
1)I will pick most first round games correctly (like in 2003, where I got 28 right the first day); then, as expectations rise and I start getting excited about winning the pool, I’d lose every single game there after.
2)I will have a middling first round (20-24), then lose at least one Final Four team by the second round, but would still be looking good going into week 2. Then, after teasing me just long enough to make me think I’m gonna win, 2 more final four teams lose in the regional finals. My one remaining team wins the title.
Trust me, every year, no matter how much research I do and which leagues I follow, my brackets always fall into one of these two molds, with just enough heartbreak along the way.
So why do I bother? I tell you why: like I said, I'm a huge sports fan, and a degenerate gambler at heart. This event was made for me.
So, seeing as it’s my favorite column to write all year (OK…I’ll be honest, it’s fast becoming the ONLY column I write all year), MAYDOGMA presents my 3rd annual “How to lose your office pool as fast as humanly possibly” column.
-The Kentucky Rule- Pick the #1 team in the country to win it all. Hey, they’re the best team in the country. The best team ALWAYS wins. Go Illinois!!
(Oh god!! I’m actually following this one this year and picking an Illini championship. What am I doing?)
The Big Ten Rule- Develop a biased against one specific conference. Talk yourself into calling overrated. This year’s candidate: The Southeastern Conference. I hate the SEC. The entire conference is filled with up and down teams, most of which get hot just long enough to grab a ridiculously high seed. So I’m picking most SEC members to get upset in the first round. Why? Pretty much blind hatred…
(One note: You don’t know how dangerously close the Big East came to filling this spot.)
-The Big East Rule- If you watch only one conference all year, pick all the teams from that conference. For example, being a fan of Notre Dame and Villanova, I watch mostly Big East games during the regular season. So what happens in my pool? 3 Big East Teams to the Sweet Sixteen, 3 to the Elite Eight, and 1 to the Final Four. A great way to show off your “diverse” knowledge of college basketball!...However:
-The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule- Pick a team that only looked good in the Big East tourney. Way too many people are giving West Virginia too much credit right now, even though they've only looked impressive for 1 week the entire year. If you want to submarine your pool quickly, pick the Mountaineers...
-The Rose-Colored Glasses Rule- Pick your alma mater to win several games. Trust me, your favorite team ALWAYS makes a run, especially if you pick them. Doesn’t apply this year…and it’s Notre Dame’s own damn fault!
However, there is ONE exception to this rule. If you’ve an alma mater is in the tournament, and there’s a good chance they won’t be there again for another 20 years, by all means, pick them. We call this the Siena/Niagara corollary
-The Dick Vitale's Final Four picks Rule- Never pick a lower seed to win. Upsets? There are never any upsets!!
-The Indiana Rule- Pick with
- The Non-Posers Rule- Underestimate Duke. Or Don’t Underestimate Duke. Or Underestimate Duke. Which Coach K team will show up this year: the one that wins championships or the only that chokes against UCONN, Kansas, & Indiana? I never have any idea. After last year, when I thought Duke was an overrated, crappy team and ended up in the Final Four, I ready to jam a thumbtack into my eye. This year…well who really knows? Are the Blue Devils even the best team in their Conference? Of course not. So I’m picking against them again…
-The Sweater Rule- Any team coached by Bobby Knight is destined to win a few games. Come on. He’s Bobby Knight, one of the best coaches of our generation. He never loses in the first round…
-The Jane Kulm Illinois rule- Find out which STATE has the most teams from it in the tournament. Pick all those schools. A reader suggested this rule last year after she claimed to fill out her brackets using only schools located in Illinois. This year's candidate: Iowa, even though none those teams are anything special.
-The 'Hey, It could happen' rule- Pick a 16 seed to win. Something special is happening with Oakland, folks. I'm getting warm feelings thinking about them, though that could be from a spider bite.
- The Valpo rule- Mid majors suck and never win. I believe mid majors conference are overrated and the less in the tourney, the better. With that said, they always win at least 4 games. I hate them. Death to Gonzaga! Death to Southern Illinois! Death to Saint Marys! This reminds me…
- The Pinky and All-Brain Rule- Pick the Ivory League team to win. I think I do this every year for no reason whatsoever. Go Penn!
-The Boston College Rule- Pick against teams you just don’t like. The key is to use your head as little as possible. Pick with the heart, baby! This year’s candidates: MSU, N.C. State, Cincinnati, Duke. Oh and also…
- The Monkey Wretch Rule- Pick against a team you think is overrated. Base your whole bracket on the thought of them losing. This year’s team: Kansas. In January, I was ready to pick them to win the title. Then, they get blown out by Villanova and lose like 30 games coming down the stretch. So I’m picking them to be upset in the first round, even against an inferior, overmatched Bucknell team. Jesus Christ, what am I thinking?
-The 16 years of Catholic School rule- Never pick a school with the word “State” in its name. Public school is overrated…
The Never pick a school with a direction in its name. Eastern Kentucky my ass…
-The Otto the Syracuse Orange Rule- Pick the school with the better mascot. If you follow this one, Syracuse would win every year, with Florida as the runner-up…
-The UCLA in 96 / Joe Feehan in 2001 Rule- Overrate the defending champion. Just like with MSU in 2001(where I picked them to go to the finals), Maryland in 2003 (where I picked them for the final four), and Syracuse last year (where I picked them to win 3 games), I’m considering riding the Connecticut bandwagon all the way to the finals. I know it’s going to end in disappointment, but I can’t help myself.
-The Matt Doherty Rule- Pick coaches from your hometown. Long Island is known as the “cradle of coaches,” having produced several top level coaches (Rick Pitino, Jay Wright, Billy Donovan) in recent years. Should this information sway my decision come tournament time? Damn straight it should. Go Gators…
-And lastly, The St. Joe's in 2004 rule- Jump on a Bandwagon. From the makers of the Syracuse in 2003 pick (which was inspired) and the St. Joe's in 2004 pick (which was 10 seconds away from being inspired), I give your this year's team that 'everyone is banishing but I'm picking them to prove everyone wrong'....the Washington Huskies. Not one person thus far has said, “I’m picking Washington!” Well guess what? I’m picking Washington. In fact, I plan of looking smarter than all you doubters in a few weeks when the Huskies make the Final Four. There’s plenty of time to change your mind and get on the winning side. I’ll keep the window seat warm for you. Who’s with me??
(God, I’m such an idiot.)
Happy picking everyone.
Labels: College Basketball
# posted by Bryan
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Tremendous article, Maydog! I just wish I had read it prior to filling out my bracket! (Stupid work obligations sucking up my free time...) That way I would have known to use "The Providence in 95/Seton Hall in 97/ Saint John's in 2000 rule" and NOT pick West Virginia. Oh wait... you're an idiot. Oh wait.. so am I for actually picking Syracuse to get to the Final Four. What the hell was I thinking?
My favorite rules: "The 16 years of Catholic School rule." It's funny 'cuz it's true. And "The Monkey Wrench Rule" -- you must be the only person in the country to have picked Bucknell. Kudos.
I would like to add a rule, if I may.
-The Never Shit Where You Sleep Rule - When you work or reside near a school in the tournament (to which you are not affiliated), you must pick against them solely for the pleasure you will reap when that school crashes and burns in the early rounds. Case in point: Gainesville. I was so excited to see all these Gator fans worked up about Florida's SEC "success" because I knew, just KNEW, they wouldn't make it past the 2nd round. Failure's a bitch. Especially when your team is Notre Dame.
Go Illini!
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My favorite rules: "The 16 years of Catholic School rule." It's funny 'cuz it's true. And "The Monkey Wrench Rule" -- you must be the only person in the country to have picked Bucknell. Kudos.
I would like to add a rule, if I may.
-The Never Shit Where You Sleep Rule - When you work or reside near a school in the tournament (to which you are not affiliated), you must pick against them solely for the pleasure you will reap when that school crashes and burns in the early rounds. Case in point: Gainesville. I was so excited to see all these Gator fans worked up about Florida's SEC "success" because I knew, just KNEW, they wouldn't make it past the 2nd round. Failure's a bitch. Especially when your team is Notre Dame.
Go Illini!
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