7 Things that would have been more fun than watching Notre Dame play in the Insight Bowl last night:


1) Tearing my ACL
2) Getting punched in the mouth
3) Hooking my genitals up to a car battery
4) Getting my hand caught in a blender
5) Jamming a Q-tip into my ear
6) Shoving a thumbtack into my eye
7) Watching midget porn….bad midget porn.


More later on this travi-scam-ockery…

Tales of a last minute mall shopper:

I’m one of those guys who doesn’t clean the snow off the top of my car. That’s right…I’m the asshole.


The most underrated part of holiday shopping Part I: Being able to buy something incredibly stupid for yourself and claiming it’s a present for someone else. For example, I saw a framed 8x10 picture of the Olsen Twins a few days ago. Any other time of the year, the clerk would look at me like I’m some such of pedophile and call the cops; but now: “Um, yeah, it’s for my nephrew.”


Why does the food at the mall always smell so good?

(I mean, who doesn’t love mall food? And how ‘bout those food stands that only exist in malls? Sabarro. Hagen Das. NY Pretzel Company. Where else can you find these places?)


Is it just me or did Fight Club just destroy all of IKEA’s business? I don’t think I saw one person go in there.


I'm always intrigued by phase "As seen of T.V.", even though these products are usually absolute crap...


My least favorite store at the mall? GNC, mostly because of the pathetic commission based counter guy who’s all over you like a Swedish whore from the moment you walk into the store. Go away; I’m fine; if I need your help, I’ll ask for it.


The most underrated part of holiday shopping Part II: When I’m walking back to my car and some car is following me to take my parking space, since the lot is so damn crowded. So I start walking really slow, just to piss off the woman in the car. And I take my time getting my keys out and putting my packages in the trunk. And sometimes, I go down to the wrong aisle just to throw her off. Try this some time; it’s really fun.

(Wow, I’m evil.)


And finally, I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Nothing is more depressing than walking into the mall where you spent most of your high school afternoons…and having to look at the map to find out where all the stores are. Suddenly, I feel like I’m 100 years old. And now, I’m all bitter and resentful…Fuck you all…

(The holidays…Full of good cheer. Yay!)

Labels: Verse of Maydogma

Since this blog is gonna be mostly snippets and randon ideas, instead of full "books" of Maydogma, you can now expect mini "verses" of Maydogma. Pretty clever eh?? (Ok, no, it's not clever)

Well, slightly-less-not-interesting Kelly won “The Apprentice” over slightly-more-not-interesting Jenn last night in what was a sham of a final episode that undermined everything that went on during the weeks before. And it was three hours long, as the last hour was so boring and self praising that I eventually starting flipping channels. Why do they do these live finales anyway? I know they want to make the finale special and different, but having the live crowd basically decide the winner is a joke…

Good news from “The Apprentice” tonight as the completely useless Ivana was finally, FINALLY fired about 6 weeks too late. Good riddance. Never has there been a more unlikable, ignorant, futile contestant in reality T.V. history. And of course, the dumb bitch goes out kicking and screaming and bitching and making a complete ass of herself by blaming everyone else for her shortcomings. And then she messed with George. “You better stop addressing him as ‘Look.’” Awesome…


With all the dead weight finally gone, none of the final four is really that compelling, and the 2 best candidates (Raj and Andy) are long gone. But thankfully, no more whiny Ivana…